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A letter to pet owners But we love them nevertheless Dear Dog and CatWhen I ask you to move, it means go somewhere else, not switch positions with each other so that there are still two of you under my feet. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food …. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate doesn't mean you're staking a claim or that it will become your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest). The staircase was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. I can not buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I'm really sorry about this but don't think for one minute that I'll continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping – they can actually curl up into a ball. It isn't necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails out straight and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm). My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there's not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it isn't necessary to claw, whine, meow, try turning the knob, or get your paw under the edge to try and pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years …. Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory). The proper order is to kiss me, then go and smell the backsides of other dogs or cats. It is also important to remember that sticking your tongue down my throat is not an essential part of the process when I bend down to do up my shoe laces. I can't stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. Similarly, when I open a floor level cupboard door to look for a lost item – I appreciate you are keen to help - but it is anything but helpful when you poke your head in first and block my view completely. Nevertheless, to pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door. Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my pets. 1 They live here – you don’t. 2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pets better than I like most people 4. To you, they’re animals. To me, he/she/they are adopted sons and daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and are speech challenged. FOOTNOTE Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug using friends, don’t drink or smoke, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion pounds to get them through University and if they get pregnant, you can sell the end product and best of all, they are ALWAYS pleased to see you, whatever time you get home and they won't nag, whatever condition you're in. Sunday, 30 March 2008 © 2008 Bromley Health Management |
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